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Important, must read info,
about your gay adoption
Whether it's a gay adoption or not, this information will be important for you to understand before you begin your process, and it will be good to refer back to it periodically as well. I don't sugarcoat anything here or anywhere on this site. It's so important that if you are considering adopting a child, you understand what you're getting into.
1. You CAN get info. Case Workers come in all different shapes and sizes and from many different backgrounds. Some follow policies and privacy laws to a T, but others need to talk like couples need to talk about their days. In Fost Adopt situations, you will come to the point where you love your foster child so much, and you will feel like the case is moving nowhere. You will start to wonder if you should pour any more love your child's way for fear of being emotionally torn apart if your child were to be reunified with the birth parents. My point here is, if you ask questions and listen to answers, you will get the information you are seeking. If your
Case Worker
doesn't talk or return your calls (they are extremely busy), ask your
RFT Worker,
your
case aide,
your
CASA,
or anyone else who may know anything about the case. Someone is bound to know more. And the information you hear, you must listen to very closely. Sometimes people who know things may say something, but they speak in metaphors in order to feel like they aren't breaking policy. So read between the lines.
2. Foster parents do have power. It may not feel like it a lot of the time, but you do. And here's why: all parties involved with the case are trained, and one of the first things you learn about the foster care system is that each time a child is moved, there adds another loss, another layer of yuck, as I call it, that the child will have to work through in his or her life. The most difficult thing a child must work through in therapy is the loss of loved ones.
In fact, the foster care system, courts, and law have come to understand this, and some states have now given foster parents who have had a child in their home for more than 6 months partial rights to make decisions on behalf of their child. If Case Workers feel that a placement may be in jeopardy, they will work harder to move the case along more quickly. In my first case, I told my case worker that my son (foster son at the time) and I could not handle the visits anymore, and she was able to get the termination hearing pushed up 3 months! 3. You will think your case worker is crazy. And they understand that they will be thought of as crazy, but good case workers know that if a case is heading toward termination, they will have to prove in a court of law that reunification with the birth parents is not in the best interest of the child. Here's an example. My son would break down each time he had a visit with his birth parents. I documented that as soon as I told my son that he had a visit, his behaviors would escalate. He became violent, he swore, he'd say strange things, and if I told him the night before, he would have night terrors. It came to the point that I did not tell him he had a visit until he was on his way to the visit. And then after the visit, it would take him a couple days to calm down, and I documented that as well. This was a weekly roller coaster for us as he had visits once per week.
So, even though my case worker knew all of this, she decided to increase the visits to twice per week. This is when I thought she was crazy. Later I found out she did this, and I know it sounds cruel, to document my son's reaction to the increased visits. Three weeks into this is when I told her my son nor I could handle this much longer, and she was able to get the termination hearing move up 3 months.4. Document, document, document. It's SO important. The more you document, the more information your case worker will have about the effects of visits, the appropriateness of your home, the experiences your child has been through, etc. And the more you will protect yourself from accusations. 5. You will be investigated. If you just understand this now, you won't be surprised by it when it happens. Kids will say things about their mom or dad, and teachers, coaches, etc. will think they are referring to you. Or they'll draw something, a memory from their past. Pretty soon, your child has been pulled from their class without your knowledge and interviewed by social services, and you will be required to answer their questions as well, some of which are only asked to see how you react. Read
my gay adoption story
for more information. As I said, just expect it, and it won't surprise you.
6. Get your child completely checked out by doctors and specialists immediately upon moving into your home. It doesn't matter if they've just moved in from a different foster situation and were just checked out a few weeks ago. You want to protect yourself as well as your child. If your case worker says you don't need to, tell him or her why you want to, and document this conversation. If s/he insists that you don't need to, document that conversation as well to protect yourself. 7. Learn about child testing services in your area. If you are a new parent or a seasoned parent, you may not know if your child is on target or has any learning or growth challenges. There are experts out there who can help you to discover anything out of the ordinary and then get your child on the path to ironing these things out. 8. It's important that we all understand what social workers, especially case workers endure in the process of managing a case. In a situation where children move through the foster care system to adoption, a case worker essentially must sever any ties a child has to his/her birth parents. This is the primary most emotionally harmful event that can happen in a child's life. Basically, the end result of these cases is the "death" of the child's biological parents. But in foster to adopt situations, it can actually be worse. There really is no finality in these cases; therefore, it is difficult for children to mourn the loss of their birth parents. Most children know their parents didn't die, but they really don't know where they are. This leads to great anxiety as the kids wonder if they will ever see their parents again. Essentially, for social workers to cause this, even though they understand the fundamental harm they must cause to the child and the birth parents, their jobs are to ensure the safety of the children and to do what's best for them at the time. The emotional stress that social workers go through in these cases is enormous. Respect them for having the guts to do this job. Most of us don't.
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